


Hell's Kitchen, Hetalia-Style

by katamarii



Series: A Series of Nonsensical APH Ficlets [3]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Cooking, Crack, Gen, Hetalia Kink Meme, Humour, Multi, Other, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-11
Updated: 2012-05-11
Packaged: 2017-11-05 04:13:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/402320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katamarii/pseuds/katamarii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things get out of hand when you have one too many cooks in the kitchen. </p>
<p>Warnings: Human names, script-style narration, and crack, so much crack. Oh and England’s scones. Again. Le horror.<br/>Thanks to <b><i>ren_chan146</i></b> for correcting the German grammar here.</p>
<p>Disclaimer: Proceed with caution for I bear no responsibility for what happens next.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hell's Kitchen, Hetalia-Style

~.*.~

 

**Ludwig:** Und now ve shall put ze flour in, measured precisely to ze fifth decimal place. So remember, it ist zero-point-four-eight-seven-six-five grams of flour...  
  
 **Antonio:** Ehhhhhhh so that just about 0.5 grams right?  
  
 **Ludwig:** NEIN! I said to ze _fifth_ decimal place! It needs to be _accurate_ or ze cake might not rise enough!!  
  
 **Antonio:** Ehhhhhh but I can't read zero-point-four-eight... something something off my scale.  
  
 **Ludwig:** Zen ve vill have to use [MY weighing balance](http://www.coleparmer.com/TechLibraryArticle/1164)!  
  
  
 _Ludwig slams a shiny, hi-tech balance on kitchen table._  
  
  
 **Ludwig:** Ze latest model in a highly successful line, it comes with four automatic sliding doors, with a self-calibrating fucntion, and it can read up to five decimal places with a plus minus error of zero-point-zero-zero-one percent.  
  
 **Antonio:** Ehhhhhhh that is... ehhhhhh...  
  
 **Ludwig:** _Das ist ein schönes perfektes Instrument!_  
  
 **Arthur:** Tch, you all spend too much time prattling about nonsense. Really, measuring flour to the fifth decimal place? That is simply absurd! Baking is more than just numbers or points; it's about relentless determination and a burning, sizzling passion. It's about...  
  
  
 _Here, Arthur rolls up his sleeves and slaps on a frilly pink apron. White-hot flames of ambition are ablaze within his eyes. Behind him, black smoke curls about like tendrils of evil._  
  
  
 **Arthur:** It's all about doing it like a **_REAL MAN._** And since I can't help but pity you poor, uneducated sods, I'll have to show you how it's really done. Let me make you all some lovely scones.  
  
 **Antonio:** EHHHHHHH?!  
  
 **Ludwig:** VAT?! VAIT, VAIT VE UH, VE AREN'T REALLY...  
  
 **Antonio:** Buhyooooooo I don't think I'm quite that hungry anymore ...  
  
 **Arthur:** Ahahahaha come now, lads, don't be shy. I know my baking skills are renowned all over–  
  
 **Antonio:** Oh yes, _too_ well renowned.  
  
 **Arthur:** –but I can be a kind teacher. Strict yes, but kind nonetheless... So let's start with the dough...  
  
 **Ludwig:** NEIN! Uh vait, vait... uh ve has a meeting to go to und–  
  
  
 _Berwald stares silently at everyone, face impassive, before turning back to stare at the baking items. After some careful thinking, he dumps everything into the mixing bowl, swirls it all together like a boss and dumps mixing bowl into the pot. He turns up stove._  
  
  
 **Berwald:** All d'ne.  
  
  
 _He checks his watch, and then gives everyone a thumbs-up, beaming slightly. Moe sparkles twinkle in the background._  
  
  
 **Berwald:** Sh'ld be r'dy in few h'rs.  
  
 **Ludwig, Antonio and Arthur:**  .......  
  
  
 _The kitchen door swings open, slamming against the walls as Vash storms in, brandishing a badass-motherfucking[Stgw.57](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SIG_SG_510) in his hands.  
  
Outside the garden, a cat explodes in flames.  
  
A dog falls off the fence._  
  
  
 **Vash:** WHY ARE YOU ALL SO NOISY IN THE MORNING?! SHUT THE HELL UP, OR I'LL BEAT YOU WITH MY PEACE PRIZE!  
  
  
 _And that is why, the five-some decided that perhaps Chinese take-outs make the best dinners after all.  
  
Ba dum tish._  
  
  
  
 ** _–End–_**

**Author's Note:**

> _"What if everyone in my group of friends represented Hetalia characters in a Sims game. Based upon nationality, not personality. Be kind of like a randomized crack-pairing. What sort of random shenanigans would occur in that group? Or would there be any? Maybe they'd get along?"_
> 
> So a friend posted this on a forum I haunt often. Based on her friends' nationalities, the scenario is having Germany, Spain, England, Sweden and Switzerland being roomies/buddies and the random stuff that occurs between them. And this is what happens when I procrastinate at work. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in my brain.
> 
> I also wonder what my Script-writing professor would think if she knew this is how I use what she taught us in class, to write about fictional personified nations. Pfft.
> 
> This was also cross-posted to the kinkmeme for the prompt "Any/Any, Fun in the Kitchen." So you could say this is a de-anon of sorts.
> 
> Also also, _[Swedish Mealtimes](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Akxgb5ONhB0)_ is the shizzzzz.


End file.
